Shine bright like a diamond.
If you can impersonate famous people, use your skills wisely, and make them say things like, “Titty Sprinkles.”
When someone tells you, “I love you,” respond with anything but, “G’day.” That’s just a dick move.
If you just got put in the friendzone, take a step back and realize you just used the fucking term “friendzone,” and probably have a lot more problems than you think.
When you can’t sleep at night, stay away from the electronics, they will stimulate you in a way that keeps you awake, instead of tires you out. Instead try reading Cosbro Magazine, you know, the paper kind that we don’t actually put out.
When looking at presents for your sweetheart look into getting that bitch a smuppet, bitches love smuppets.
When asked “Who wears short shorts?” proudly rip away your slacks to reveal hot pants, proudly proclaiming, “I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!!” Works every time.
When in doubt, punch whatever is making you doubt yourself in the snout to assert dominance.